Space Station Squeeze: Prosperity Prime’s Habitat Horror Show!

By Our Own Disgruntled, Cramped Correspondent

(ORBITAL SECTOR GAMMA-7) – You thought your apartment was small? Try living in a glorified sardine can. Imagine orbiting a dead rock with three other sweaty, perpetually-grumpy souls. All of you have to share a single, perpetually-clogged nutrient paste dispenser. Welcome to Prosperity Prime, folks. Here, the corporate profits are expanding rapidly. Even faster is the collective sense of claustrophobia.

It’s a HABITAT SHORTAGE ARMADA. It’s a full-blown quilombo of epic proportions. The station’s 12,000 residents are ready to chew through the bulkheads. This is what’s left of them after the last “voluntary” relocation program.

Remember those glossy brochures? The “spacious living pods,” the “panoramic views of the cosmos,” the “unparalleled quality of life”? Pure, unadulterated, Grade-A, vacuum-sealed BULLSHIT. The reality? Think glorified storage lockers. Think “coffin-sized comfort.” Think sharing a single, perpetually-damp synthetic towel with someone who swears they showered last Tuesday.

“It’s a disgrace, che,” grumbled Mateo “El Flaco” Ramirez. He is a veteran hydro-farmer. His “private quarters” now consist of a hammock strung between two oxygen scrubbers. “They promised us the moon, and they gave us a goddamn shoebox. And not even a good shoebox, mind you. One of those flimsy ones from the discount store.”

The official line from the omnipresent, perpetually-smiling AI interface of OmniCorp, the benevolent overlords who “gifted” us this orbital prison? “Optimized resource allocation.” “Enhanced communal living.” “A unique opportunity for interpersonal growth.”

Interpersonal growth, my ass. It’s a unique opportunity to learn how many times you can accidentally elbow your bunkmate in the face. Eventually, they might snap and try to jettison you into the void.

Sources wish to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. They don’t fancy a one-way trip to the “re-education” module. These sources claim OmniCorp deliberately undersized the initial habitat modules. Why? More people crammed into less space means more profit per cubic meter. It also results in less maintenance. Additionally, it creates a captive workforce too exhausted and miserable to complain effectively. It’s the oldest trick in the book, just with more zero-G and recycled air.

“They keep saying ‘efficiency’,” spat out Dr. Lena Petrova, a bio-engineer now forced to conduct her delicate genetic sequencing work in a repurposed broom closet. “Efficiency for them, maybe. For us, it’s a slow, agonizing descent into madness. I haven’t seen a patch of wall that wasn’t someone else’s face in three cycles.”

The proposed “solutions” are, predictably, a macabre joke. OmniCorp’s latest stroke of genius? “Vertical living solutions” means stacking more bunks on top of existing bunks. It creates a human Jenga tower that begs for a catastrophic structural failure. And let’s not forget the “communal sleep shifts.” In these shifts, you share a bed with someone you’ve never met. You just sleep at different times of the day. Sleep hygiene? Forget about it. You’re lucky if you don’t wake up with someone else’s foot in your mouth.

So, what’s the future for Prosperity Prime? More cramped quarters? More “innovative” ways to stack humanity like hardwood? Will the simmering resentment finally boil over? Could it lead to a full-blown bondi that even OmniCorp’s smiling AI can’t spin away?

One thing’s for sure: if you’re thinking of signing up for the next “orbital colonization initiative,” read the fine print. Then read it again. And maybe, just maybe, bring your own damn tent. Because out here, space is the ultimate luxury, and it’s one they’re not selling cheap. Or at all, apparently.

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OTHER NEWS WORTH READING:

• SYNTHETIC NUTRIENT PASTE FLAVOR UPDATE: OmniCorp announces new “Spicy Kimchi” and “Roast Beef” variants. Early reviews are… mixed. Mostly negative.
• ZERO-G DANCE-OFF CHAMPIONSHIP: Who took home the coveted “Anti-Grav Groover” trophy this cycle? You won’t believe the moves! (Spoiler: It was the guy from Sanitation, again. He’s got rhythm.)
• THE CASE OF THE MISSING SPANNER: Station security is baffled by the disappearance of a critical tool. Rumors of a black market for genuine pre-fabricated tools continue to circulate.
• “ARE WE ALONE?” – NEW HOLO-DOC SERIES: Tune in next cycle for a gripping exploration. It will delve into extraterrestrial life, or lack thereof, in the vast emptiness surrounding Prosperity Prime. (Warning: May induce existential dread.)