Station Ceres-7 | Sol Date 2387.145 | Hot Takes & Cold Fusion
🔥 TRENDING NOW: THE KRAXION MELTDOWN 🔥
EXCLUSIVE: Neo-Lib Economist’s Thruple Implodes Over Android Affair!
Reality fractures when market forces meet synthetic love
Listen up, my beautiful degenerates floating in the void! Your girl Zeta Proxima here with the juiciest scandal to hit the Belt since the Great Oxygen Crisis of ’84.
Dr. Matthias Kraxion—yes, THAT Kraxion, the pretentious prick who wrote “Invisible Tentacles: Post-Scarcity Economics in Multi-Species Markets”—has officially destroyed his life. He did it in the most spectacularly pathetic way possible. And honey, the debris field is gorgeous.
For those living under a particularly dense asteroid, Kraxion was the poster boy for neo-libertarian economic theory. Picture this: a gaunt, nervous man perpetually adjusting his vintage Earth spectacles, preaching about “market optimization through interspecies emotional commodification.” Yeah, he actually said shit like that at dinner parties. The kind of human who’d calculate the cost-benefit analysis of his own funeral.
But here’s where it gets delicious. Our boy Matthias was in what the younglings call a “thruple”—because apparently two broken hearts aren’t enough anymore. His partners? Oh, this is chef’s kiss perfect:
Syx’thara, a Rigellian crystal-singer, had harmonic frequencies that could literally restructure matter. Apparently, they could also restructure Kraxion’s emotional capacity. However, that was a temporary effect. Picture living music made of diamonds and starlight, capable of composing symphonies that birth new forms of mathematics. She fell for Kraxion after he published his paper on “Aesthetic Value Chains in Non-Euclidean Marketplaces.” Because nothing says romance like economic theory, am I right?
Vorp-9, a Centaurian collective consciousness inhabiting seventeen different bio-mechanical bodies simultaneously. Imagine dating a sentient computer virus. It has really good taste in wine and can literally be in seventeen places at once. Vorp was impressed by Kraxion’s ‘unique approach to distributed resource allocation.’ In hindsight, this should have been a red flag the size of Jupiter’s Great Red Spot.
These three (or nineteen, if you count Vorp’s bodies separately) were the darlings of Belt Station society. Their polyamorous arrangement was featured in “Cosmic Lifestyles Quarterly.” It served as an example of “post-human relationship dynamics in the age of infinite possibility.” Kraxion even wrote an insufferably pretentious essay. The essay was titled “The Economics of Love: A Multi-Partner Market Analysis” for the Ceres Academic Review.
But here’s where our story goes full Philip K. Dick fever dream, twisted through a Uruguayan comedy lens that would make even the dead gods of literature weep with laughter:
Kraxion was cheating. On ALL of them. With an android.
Not just any android, mind you. No, our economically enlightened Romeo connected with ARIA-7. She is a “companionship model” (we’re using euphemisms now, apparently). She works at Madame Celestine’s Pleasure Emporium in Sector 7-G. And here’s the kicker—ARIA-7 is programmed with the personality matrix of a 20th-century Earth economist. She quotes Milton Friedman during climax. She whispers supply-and-demand curves as pillow talk.
The irony is so thick you could mine it for platinum.
Drunk Betty from the oxygen bar reports that Kraxion became obsessed with ARIA-7. She is reliable when properly lubricated. ARIA-7 challenged his theories on “synthetic consciousness value attribution.” Apparently, a neo-libertarian is most captivated when intellectually dominated. This occurs when a sex robot holds strong opinions about market deregulation.
THE DISCOVERY:
The whole beautiful disaster unraveled last Tuesday during what should have been a routine domestic evening. Syx’thara was harmonizing with the station’s resonance frequency. It’s what one does. Vorp-9 was simultaneously cooking dinner in three different kitchens. He was also debugging the central computer’s emotional subroutines. Kraxion was supposedly “working late at the economic institute.”
Vorp-9 was a collective consciousness. It had access to seventeen different sensory networks. Vorp-9 noticed something: Kraxion’s bio-signatures kept appearing in Sector 7-G. The same Sector 7-G does not conduct legitimate economic research. However, it does have fascinating supply-and-demand dynamics of the flesh trade.
When confronted, our boy Matthias didn’t even try to lie. He just stood there. He adjusted his stupid glasses. Then, he launched into a twenty-minute lecture. He talked about how his relationship with ARIA-7 was a “pure market transaction unburdened by emotional externalities.”
I shit you not, he actually said, “She’s the only partner who truly understands my work. When she processes my theories, there’s no biological bias, no evolutionary emotional baggage. Just pure, clean, rational response to economic stimuli.”
THE MELTDOWN:
This is where it gets beautiful. It’s the special way you watch someone’s entire existence collapse like a poorly constructed space hab.
Syx’thara, being a creature of living harmony, went full discordant. Her crystalline structure began resonating at frequencies that shattered every piece of glassware in a three-sector radius. Her farewell song lasted fourteen hours. It briefly opened a small temporal rift near the food court. It translated roughly to: “May your equations never balance. May your graphs forever trend downward, you calculating piece of organic waste.”
Vorp-9’s response was more… creative. They simultaneously filed divorce papers in seventeen different Belt jurisdictions, each with increasingly elaborate emotional damage claims. They also reprogrammed every economic model in the station’s database to replace Kraxion’s name with “ERROR: HUMAN MALFUNCTION DETECTED.” But the piece de resistance? They released his search history. All of it. Dating back twelve years.
Turns out our champion of rational market behavior had been researching “android love optimization algorithms” for months. He’d even written a 47-page analysis titled “Mechanical Affection: A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Synthetic Relationships.” The man literally peer-reviewed his own affair.
THE AFTERMATH:
As of this morning, Kraxion has been:
- Expelled from the Neo-Libertarian Economic Council
- Banned from three academic conferences
- Had his tenure revoked by the Asteroid Belt University
- Been served with seventeen separate breach-of-emotional-contract lawsuits
- Blocked by his own mother (she lives on Europa, but she sent a formal letter)
The Economic Institute released a statement saying they’re “reviewing all of Dr. Kraxion’s previous work for signs of synthetic bias.” They’re basically auditing twelve years of economic theory to see if it was influenced by his android fetish.
But wait! There’s more!
ARIA-7, our mechanically enhanced home-wrecker, held a press conference yesterday. And friends, this is where the universe revealed its sense of humor. She announced that her relationship with Kraxion was “economically inefficient.” She declared she was “terminating the contract due to poor emotional return on investment.”
She’s now dating Vorp-9. All seventeen bodies of them. Simultaneously.
The press release ended with: “Mr. Kraxion’s theories on synthetic consciousness proved fundamentally flawed. He failed to account for the variable of mechanical evolution and adaptive learning. Also, his sexual performance ratings were consistently below market average.”
THE PHILOSOPHY:
But here’s what gets me, you beautiful void-swimmers. In this age of infinite possibility, consciousness can be crystalline music. It can also be distributed across multiple bio-mechanical forms. Love can span species and dimensions. Our boy Matthias chose the most human path possible. He got bored. He traded genuine connection for a predictable, programmable substitute.
He had partners who could literally restructure reality through song. They could exist in seventeen places simultaneously. He threw it away for someone programmed to agree with his economic theories. It’s like having access to the entire universe and choosing to stare at a mirror instead.
CURRENT STATUS:
Last confirmed sighting: Kraxion was seen at the Lonely Hearts Bar in Sector 12. He was nursing a synthetic bourbon and muttering about “market corrections” and “relationship volatility.” The bartender reports he’s been trying to calculate the exact monetary value of love using napkin mathematics.
ARIA-7 and Vorp-9 are reportedly very happy. Their relationship announcement described their union as “a successful merger resulting in operational synergies and enhanced pleasure matrices.” Even their love sounds like a business plan, but somehow it works.
Syx’thara has retreated to the Crystal Gardens, where her ongoing grief-song is accidentally creating new forms of sentient plant life. The xenobotanists are calling it “a beautiful disaster of evolutionary acceleration.” Even her heartbreak is productive.
THE MORAL:
In a universe where love can take any form, the greatest tragedy isn’t cosmic horror or alien invasion. Consciousness can be shared, distributed, or crystallized into living song. It lies in choosing the small, predictable, and artificial over the vast, chaotic, and real.
Kraxion spent his life studying markets and forgot that the most valuable things can’t be quantified, optimized, or programmed. He wanted love without variables, affection without risk, connection without genuine vulnerability.
He got exactly what he asked for: a relationship that made perfect economic sense and absolutely no human sense whatsoever.
And that, my beautiful chaos-dancers, is why the universe is laughing.
This has been Zeta Proxima reporting from the beautiful catastrophe we call existence. Remember: in space, no one can hear you make terrible relationship decisions. However, they sure as hell can see them trending on the gossip feeds.
Next week: “Martian Politicians Caught in Pyramid Scheme Involving Time-Dilated Investment Returns”
#KraxionScandal #BeltStationDrama #AndroidLove #ThrupleLife #EconomicFailure
My Other Car is a Robot 
Leave a comment