What the Vreezians Want

[Static crackles across screen. Distorted company logo appears: PHARMAVORE CONSOLIDATED]

Are you TIRED of being IGNORED by the Vreezians? Do the gelatinous ambassadors from Proxima Centauri slide their eyestalks away when you enter the diplomatic quarter? Has your application for inter-species conjugal visits been REJECTED seventeen times?

[Camera pans across gaunt humans in form-fitting jumpsuits, looking forlornly at floating translucent aliens who pulsate with disinterest]

SUFFER NO MORE, fellow terrestrials! The System-approved remedy has arrived!

INTRODUCING ADIPOSA-X9 – “Because In Space, Everyone Should Hear You Wheeze“

[Cut to nervous scientist in lab coat, blinking too rapidly]

“The Vreezians evolved on a world of scarcity. Their biological imperative recognizes surplus adipose tissue as the ULTIMATE indicator of genetic superiority. Your government-mandated thinness is KILLING your chances at off-world coupling!”

[Warning appears in small text, scrolling too fast to read completely] Side effects may include reality dissociation, temporal displacement, spontaneous third-eye development, belief that you are a character in someone else’s dream, and the sensation that your teeth are broadcasting your thoughts to the Phobos Security Directorate…

[Cut to bloated human couple being caressed by tentacled aliens]

BEHOLD THE NEW DESIRABLES! Within six doses, ADIPOSA-X9 reverses your metabolism, fighting against fifty years of corporate-mandated fitness regimens! Your body will REBEL against THE SYSTEM that kept you THIN and ALONE!

[Behind them, a vidscreen shows Earth wreathed in corporate logos]

The MegaCorps don’t WANT you to know this SECRET! They’ve suppressed the truth that the Vreezians only breed with the VOLUPTUOUS! With every expanding inch, you become more IRRESISTIBLE to our new galactic neighbors!

[Close-up on sweating human face, pupils dilated] “Before ADIPOSA-X9, I was just another drone. Now I’m being courted by THREE Vreezian pod-clusters! They find my labored breathing… exotic.”

[Image of crowded habitat module with humans in various stages of obesity, all wearing corporate-branded stretch garments]

Join the RESISTANCE against MANDATORY THINNESS! The alien presence has revealed the LIE of our society! Fat is freedom! Fat is DESIRABLE! Fat is your PASSPORT to alien pleasure gardens!

[Quick cut to medical chart showing horrifying statistics]

Why live LONGER when you can live WIDER? The Vreezians don’t measure time as we do – they measure VOLUME! And volume, dear citizens, is what ADIPOSA-X9 delivers!

[Montage of humans taking pills, swelling rapidly, being embraced by shimmering alien forms]

ADIPOSA-X9 – Now available at all PharmaCorp dispensaries throughout the Sol System.

Mandatory genetic screening required. Not available to employees of security clearance RED or higher. Rejection of treatment considered potential sedition under Statute 5529-B. Credit account automatically debited for life-course treatment.

REMEMBER: Thin is Sin! EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS… LITERALLY!

[PHARMAVORE CONSOLIDATED logo appears again as transmission fuzzes out]

[Barely audible voice whispers]: “They’re harvesting something from us… the fat… it’s not for mating… it’s for—”

[TRANSMISSION TERMINATED BY SOLAR AUTHORITY]