FutureBank: Making a Killing, Literally

GALACTIC FINANCIAL TIMES

The Universe’s Most Brutally Honest Financial Feed – Stardate 2187.45.6

FUTUREBANK PROFITS SOAR TO OBSCENE HEIGHTS AS SOLAR SYSTEMS DROWN IN DEBT

By Zap X. Ellison, Financial Correspondent

FutureBank, that monolithic parasite squatting at the center of the Orion Financial District like a bloated space-tick, has announced quarterly profits that would make even the most hardened Vogon accountant blush with something approximating shame—if Vogons were capable of such a useless emotion.

The megacorporation reported a staggering 47% increase in pre-tax profits to 1.8 trillion galactic credits for the first quarter, exceeding the combined annual GDP of twelve mid-sized planetary systems. The corporation, once bailed out by the Galactic Federation after its executives crashed the interstellar economy while snorting moon dust off the backs of endangered Betelgeusian snow lizards, is now fully preparing to shed government ownership.

“We’re absolutely thrilled,” grinned CEO Maximilian Vorp through teeth so white they’ve been known to cause temporary blindness in unprotected observers. “After taxpayers across seventeen star systems saved our corporate asses—I mean, after the government’s prudent temporary intervention—we’ve now returned to our rightful place as the apex predator of the financial food chain.”

The profit surge comes primarily from FutureBank’s innovative “Atmospheric Interest Rates” program, where interest compounds based on how desperately clients need to breathe. The bank has also pioneered their revolutionary “Gravity-Well Loans” that become exponentially harder to escape the further into debt you sink.

“Look, it’s simple economics,” explained Chief Financial Parasite Helga Strunk during yesterday’s holographic press conference, while absently stroking a platinum calculator. “We loan money to desperate colonists on terraform-challenged planets at 53% interest, then when they inevitably default, we seize their atmospheric generators. It’s win-win! Well, win-lose. But we’re the ones winning, so who cares?”

Meanwhile, on Proxima Centauri IV, entire families have taken to living in pressurized sewage tanks after FutureBank’s subsidiary, HabiCorp, foreclosed on 83% of residential dwellings. “The methane provides warmth,” explained one resident, trying desperately to find a silver lining while wiping something unspeakable from his child’s environmental suit.

The Federation’s so-called “Golden Parachute” program—which allowed FutureBank’s previous executives to escape with billions despite nearly causing the collapse of civilization—has been hailed as “a stunning success” by those same executives from their private moons orbiting tax haven planets.

Lead Economic Analyst for the Betelgeusian Times, Dr. Frunk Wurble, attempted to explain the situation before having his tongue surgically removed for what FutureBank’s legal team called “dangerous economic sedition.”

“What we’re seeing,” said Dr. Wurble’s automated voice box after the operation, “is the culmination of a system designed to funnel wealth from the many to the few with such mathematical precision that it makes black holes seem wasteful by comparison.”

FutureBank has announced plans to celebrate its return to full private ownership with a gala event where the ultra-wealthy will dine on extinct species while watching holograms of foreclosed homeowners fighting each other for oxygen rations.

When questioned about the morality of such displays, FutureBank’s Public Relations Director Tinsley Von Grup released a statement consisting entirely of laughter recorded at increasing volumes for seven full minutes.

The bank’s stock rose 23% on the news, primarily purchased by investors who have never seen the sun because their penthouse offices float above the perpetual smog line.

In related news, the Federation’s Minister of Finance has resigned to take a position as FutureBank’s Executive Vice President of Government Acquisition, with a salary package rumored to include ownership of a small moon and the souls of his former constituents.

Next up: The Arcturus Mining Consortium explains why child labor on methane moons isn’t exploitation, but “early career development for underprivileged larvae.”