KEEP YOUR BLOODSUCKERS LEASHED: A Guide to Interspecies Etiquette

SOCIAL AFFAIRS SECTION – Issue 783.2, Cycle of the Twin Moons

By Zyx’Mor, Cultural Affairs Correspondent

Listen up, you slack-jawed, primordial excuses for sentient beings! The Central Authority has received SEVENTEEN formal complaints this deca-cycle alone about your repugnant lack of control over your blood-drinking companion creatures when humanoids are present.

What part of “basic societal functioning” escapes your gelatinous brain masses? Must I spell it out in pheromone trails for the particularly dense among you?

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW, YOU INCONSIDERATE WASTE OF CARBON

Let’s get something straight: those pink, fleshy, bipedal creatures visiting our glorious cesspool of a planet did NOT evolve for 4.3 billion years just to become your precious little Gurglesnap’s afternoon snack. Their hemoglobin is NOT a condiment!

“But my darling Fangmaw is so friendly! He just wants to taste them a little!” SILENCE! Your pathetic justifications are as worthless as a quantum stabilizer on a garbage scow.

THE RULES (MEMORIZE THEM OR FACE DISINTEGRATION)

1. KEEP THE LEASH TIGHT, MORON
   Your blood-sucker must remain within 0.75 meters of your pulsating form at all times. If your creature has evolved locomotion methods beyond our current understanding of physics, THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM.
2. MUZZLES AREN’T “CRUEL,” THEY’RE NECESSARY
   Yes, we know their crystalline teeth need to breathe the open air to maintain proper chitinous alignment. No, that doesn’t supersede a humanoid’s right not to be exsanguinated while asking directions to the nearest methane bathroom.
3. FEEDING SCHEDULES MATTER
   For the love of the Thirteen Unholy Dimensions, FEED YOUR PETS BEFORE SOCIAL OUTINGS. A hungry Slurpworm is a danger to everyone, especially the new Human Cultural Attaché who already thinks we’re “barbaric” after the incident at last cycle’s diplomatic reception.

HUMANOID BLOOD: WHAT YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND BUT PROBABLY WON’T

Humanoids possess an irritating biological feature called “survival instinct.” When your adorable little Hemogobbler starts making that high-pitched hunting whine and extending its proboscis toward their carotid arteries, THEY DON’T FIND IT “CUTE.”

One more time for the beings whose consciousness resides in their lower appendages: HUMANS DO NOT REGENERATE BLOOD AT THE SAME RATE AS GASEOUS ENTITIES FROM THE THIRTEENTH QUADRANT. One feeding session from your precious pet can drain them to critical levels.

A WORD ON “EMOTIONAL SUPPORT BLOODSUCKERS”

The Authority recognizes that many citizens require the comforting presence of their blood-drinking companions for psychological well-being. The soothing sound of their digestive acids breaking down plasma proteins is a cultural heritage we respect.

HOWEVER, simply attaching a poorly fabricated “Emotional Support” badge to your Veinsnipper’s toxic exoskeleton does NOT exempt you from these regulations. The mental health exemption form requires FOURTEEN STAMPS from the Bureau of Interspecies Affairs, three DNA samples, and the blessing of at least one minor deity.

CONSEQUENCES OF NEGLIGENCE

Should your blood-drinking companion violate these regulations, you will face the following consequences:

1. First offense: Re-education via consciousness inversion
2. Second offense: Mandatory pet obedience training in the Pits of Despair
3. Third offense: You and your pet will be surgically fused together for one complete lunar cycle so you may “better understand each other’s needs”

Remember: responsible pet ownership isn’t just a choice, it’s the law. Failure to comply will result in your atoms being scattered across seven dimensions as a warning to others.

The Central Authority reminds all citizens that the ongoing Human-Xenitheran Cultural Exchange Program is VITAL to our planet’s economic future. Don’t ruin it because your precious little Arterygobbler “just wanted to say hello with its feeding tubules.”

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Zyx’Mor is not responsible for the accuracy of this information and reminds readers that consciousness is merely an illusion projected by the Great Void. Want to express your disagreement? Don’t bother. Free will is a myth perpetuated by the protein-based lifeforms to give meaning to their pathetically brief existences.