Starbase Nine Police Report

INCIDENT #45291-Z

LOCATION: The Event Horizon Lounge, Level 7, Promenade Sector

REPORTING OFFICER: Lt. Soma Ryn, Starbase Security
STARDATE: 37559.8
TIME OF INCIDENT: 0217 hours

SUMMARY OF EVENTS

The suspect, one Shane McGee (henceforth “PERPETRATOR”), a mid-level technician aboard the interstellar freighter Boundless Regret, entered the Event Horizon Lounge at approximately 2330 hours in what witnesses describe as “a state of chemically-enhanced philosophical belligerence.” The bartender, a four-armed Regulan named Ix, reported serving the PERPETRATOR seven Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters—a drink that, according to the Turner’s Encyclopedia of Intoxicants, is “like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.”

At approximately 0215 hours, security cameras captured the PERPETRATOR stumbling toward the lavatory facilities, his trajectory resembling what our physics department later confirmed was an “interpretive dance of Brownian motion.” Upon entering the facilities, the PERPETRATOR, by his own admission, experienced what he described as “reality doing that thing where it suddenly becomes entirely too real and simultaneously completely implausible.”

The victim, Ambassador Horxl of the Quasi-Sentient Fungal Collective (henceforth “VICTIM”), was seated in the leftmost stall engaging in what his species refers to as “contemplative spore sequencing,” a biological necessity which, under Federation Statute 5593-B, qualifies as protected religious expression.

The PERPETRATOR, apparently mistaking the occupied stall for an empty receptacle specifically designed for his immediate gastric needs, flung open the door with force sufficient to dent the adjoining wall and proceeded to evacuate the contents of his stomach with what three witnesses described as “orchestral intensity.” The VICTIM, now thoroughly coated in semi-digested synthetic proteins and alcohol, emitted what the PERPETRATOR would later describe as “a sound like a thousand electric cellos being played with chainsaws.”

Rather than offering assistance or apologies, the PERPETRATOR—by his own subsequent confession—made the following decision: “The universe had clearly presented me with an elegant solution to an inelegant problem. If I knocked the poor bastard unconscious, he couldn’t possibly remember me vomiting on him, which seemed, at the time, like an act of profound mercy.”

The PERPETRATOR then executed what he termed a “preventative peace-keeping maneuver” but what is legally classified as “aggravated assault,” striking the VICTIM with sufficient force to render the fungal entity temporarily non-responsive. This action triggered the VICTIM’s defensive spore release, causing seventeen other restroom occupants to experience vivid hallucinations of their own birth from the perspective of their respective maternal figures.

CHARGES

1. Public intoxication (Class 3 Misdemeanor)
2. Assault on a diplomatic representative (Federal Violation, Class 2)
3. Unauthorized disruption of a protected religious practice (Federation Code 772-B)
4. Vandalism of starbase property (stall door mechanism, Class 4 Misdemeanor)
5. Negligent triggering of psychotropic event (Administrative Violation 86-D)

MITIGATING FACTORS

The Hive ship Mind Gravitas Shortfall has volunteered to serve as character witness, citing that the PERPETRATOR “possesses a uniquely catastrophic form of moral reasoning that, while not technically admirable, is at least internally consistent in its flawed architecture.” The Mind has offered to take responsibility for the PERPETRATOR, proposing a punishment of “forced sobriety and mandatory reading of existentialist literature for no less than six standard months.”

PERPETRATOR’S STATEMENT

“Listen, in a universe where entropy is the only true constant, I’d argue that my vomiting on an ambassador and then punching him unconscious is merely an avant-garde interpretation of the second law of thermodynamics. If anything, I should be lauded for my commitment to physics. Also, I’m really, really sorry, and I have no memory of doing this, but I’m told the security footage is both comprehensive and, unfortunately, being shared quite enthusiastically on the station’s entertainment channels.”

RECOMMENDED ACTION

Detention pending diplomatic resolution. The Quasi-Sentient Fungal Collective has requested “creative restitution” in the form of the PERPETRATOR serving as a substrate for a non-essential spore colony for a period not to exceed one standard week. Medical has confirmed this poses no lasting harm, though the PERPETRATOR may experience “heightened empathy, mild telepathic connectivity, and a newfound appreciation for damp environments.”

END OF REPORT

“The universe may not care whether you’re good or bad, but I assure you, Starbase Security does.” – Lt. Soma Ryn